Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- F. P. Jones
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.
- Franklin P. Jones
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
The reason modern poetry is difficult is so that the poet’s wife can’t understand it.
- Wendy Cope
That awkward moment when you realize you’ve been talking for five minutes, but the call dropped four minutes ago
I could win American Idol if they just let me bring my shower on stage.
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.
- Jean Kerr, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies
I’m a godmother. That’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short. That’s cute – I taught her that.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller
Of course I often talk to myself because I always need expert advice.